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The Secret Life of Secrets: How Our Inner Worlds Shape Well-Being, Relationships, and Who We Are
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About This Book
"If you've ever wondered why we keep secrets and what motivates us to spill them, look no further. Michael Slepian has spent the past decade studying the psychology of secrets, and is ready to reveal his findings to the world."—Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Think Again " The Secret Life of Secrets gracefully blends engaging stories with compelling science."—Sonja Lyubomirsky, University of California professor and author of The How of Happiness Think of a secret that you're keeping from others. It shouldn't take long; behavioral scientist Michael Slepian finds that, on average, we are keeping as many as thirteen secrets at any given time. His research involving more than 50,000 participants from around the world shows that the most common secrets include lies we've told, ambitions, addictions, mental health challenges, hidden relationships, and financial struggles.Our secrets can weigh heavily upon us. Yet the burden of secrecy, Slepian argues, rarely stems from the work it takes to keep a secret hidden. Rather, the weight of our secrets comes from carrying them alone, without the support of others. Whether we are motivated to protect our reputation, a relationship, a loved one's feelings, or some personal or professional goal, one thing is Holding back some part of our inner world is often lonely and isolating. But The Secret Life of Secrets shows you that it doesn't have to be.Filled with fresh insight into one of the most universal—yet least understood—aspects of human behavior, The Secret Life of Secrets sheds a fascinating new light on questions At what age do children develop the cognitive capacity for secrecy? Do all secrets come with the same mental load? How can we reconcile our secrets with our human desires to relate, connect, and be known? When should we confess our secrets? Who makes for the ideal confidant? And can keeping certain types of secrets actually enhance our well-being?Drawing on over a decade of original research, The Secret Life of Secrets reveals the surprising ways that secrets pervade our lives, and offers science-based strategies that make them easier to live with. The result is a rare window into the inner workings of our minds, our relationships, and our sense of who we are.
Reviews
"Columbia Business School professor Slepian's astute debut pulls back the curtain on the psychology of secrets...Drawing on his own research, the author examines 'why we keep secrets, how they affect us in ways that you might not be aware of, and how to thrive while carrying them'...He explores the cultural dimension of secrets...Interpreting survey responses, Slepian identifies the 38 most common types of secrets...Encourages readers to share their secrets with loved ones but concedes that might not be best in all situations, so he provides strategies for coping that include reminding oneself of 'how keeping your secret benefits others'...Slepian's research, anchored by an original survey of 50,000 people, provides illuminating insight into an overlooked area of psychology, though some readers may find the abundant statistical analyses a bit tedious...Overall, this sharp take on secrets has a lot to offer."
"Behavioral scientist Slepian, a professor of leadership and ethics at Columbia, draws on his research with some 50,000 participants in 26 countries as well as copious studies by other researchers to examine why, how, and to what effect people keep secrets...Distinguishing between secrecy and privacy, he considers secrecy 'as an intention to hold specific information back, and privacy as a reflection of how much you broadcast personal information'...While some secrets may feel burdensome, others may not...The author is most concerned, though, with secrets that make people feel helpless, alone, and unsupported...The negative impact of secrets, he writes, 'comes from having those secrets occupy our thoughts'...Perceiving a secret as immoral generates feelings of shame...Slepian suggests three coping strategies for gaining insight: realizing that past mistakes are in the past and need not blight the present; realizing that keeping a secret may benefit others and so have a positive value; and acknowledging that the secret may benefit you...A close look at widespread human behavior...An accessible, empathetic book."
"Slepian learned as an adult that he and his brother came from sperm donors...Those secrets were eventually revealed...What's most striking is that they remained secrets for so long...Broadly speaking, you may want criminal or immoral activity exposed, but I find its occasional seclusion an acceptable price for the fact that, even in a world awash in freely flowing data, secrecy survives."
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